How To Make Friends as An Adult! Not Today Blog 50
When you’re backpacking through Southeast Asia, you make friends so quickly that you aren’t even able to add everyone on social media. It’s different when you’re an expat living in a new city with a 9-to-9. How do you make friends as an adult?
New In Town
Leaving Germany was the easy part. I had just returned from a 12-month trip and the post-travel blues were kicking in big time. When the opportunity arose to move to Jakarta to help my parents set up a renewable energy company, I jumped at it.
Jakarta seemed like a good starting point for my future travels. Close to Singapore, Malaysia, Bali and Western Australia. I ignored the fact that I would spend most of my time IN Jakarta, where I knew no one.
It took me years to figure this one out. Here’s how I make friends as an adult.
Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you. People are harder. Sometimes they pretend to be your friend first.
Steve Irwin
Work Friends
Let’s start with the obvious.
My friend Monisha told me to make friends at work you should ask your colleagues if they want to do something outside of work. You should not assume that they are too busy, they probably are not.
Things are different if, like in my case, you’re the director’s son or in some other managerial position.
Your colleagues respect you, but of course, they want to vent about work. And the best way to do that is when your boss isn’t around.
If you lead a team, encourage them to do things among themselves. They can accept you as a boss, but don’t expect them to invite you to shit. Don’t take it personally. You complain about them, they complain about you. It’s fine.
Either way, I’m probably the wrong person to advise about making friends at work haha. I am sure forming deep friendships with colleagues is possible. You have to be proactive. Get them out of their rut!
Take the time at work to be friendly, talk about their lives and their hobbies and most importantly offer your help without expectation of something in return.
James @ thenomadwallet
Seminars
Seminars are great to meet people.
The downside is that they are often used for networking only. Great for collecting business cards, not great for personal relationships.
Unless you go frequently. Honestly, I can’t be arsed to explain what my company is doing ten times every session.
But, but, but: I met my first good friend in Jakarta, Apul, during a logistics seminar organised by the German-Indonesian Chamber of Commerce.
Don’t write seminars off.
Apul moved to another city a year later, but what can you do.
Courses
After six months in Jakarta, I figured it was time to learn the language. I signed up for a Bahasa Indonesia course at IALF Jakarta.
I met Masahiro. He had just arrived from Japan. For the next few weeks, we were figuring out Go-Jeks, Blue Birds, Saté Taichan and the Indonesian language together.
The language course and the fact that we were both in a similar situation made it easy to connect.
However, I believe that choosing the right course is crucial. Call the organiser and ask what kind of people attend these courses. Where are the people from, how old are they, how many are taking part? Check social media for photos of group outings. Anything that helps you find out if the atmosphere would suit you.
Three months later Masahiro moved back to Japan. We remained friends though. I visited him in Tokyo. He even invited me to his wedding.
Making friends in courses does work!
Still no close friends in Jakarta.
Damn this is hard.
Bars
I can only speak for Jakarta but making friends in bars here isn’t great. People have different intentions.
One night I found myself buying drinks for this guy who had the same name as me. I thought I had just found the perfect wingman to go on weekend trips and meet girls with. Oh, was I wrong.
I received calls from him every 20 minutes for the next three days asking me out and demanding me to give him a chance, romantically.
Not what I was after.
Gyms
Bare with me. We’ll get to the point where I tell you how to make friends as an adult.
Spoiler, it’s not the gym.
Local gyms can be tough ground to make friends on when you don’t speak the language.
People are way too respectful in gyms. Why is everyone so serious? Also, they all wear headphones. Hard to communicate.
Little advice: If the guy with the rainbow gloves offers you a ride home on his scooter, chances are he’s doing it to get his butt as far back as possible so he can get a good feel of his passenger.
You can’t make this up.
Gym classes are a different story. I’ve taken a few yoga classes this year and I can well imagine that you make good friends there. Again, do your research. How popular is the gym/class, how old are the people, where are they from?
Marathons
Nope, not the place to make friends. People have different problems there. Big pain that.
Vacations
Indonesia is ideal for weekend trips. There are countless destinations within the country. And Bali. There were years when I would go to Bali every three weeks.
I have vibrant memories from my backpacking days and particularly youth hostels. I continued to book dorm rooms on my travels in Indonesia. Again, I made great friends, but they were from all over the world.
Not Jakarta.
Apps, Social Media
My sister Ira moved to Bali over a year ago and recommends Bumble Friends. My friend Monisha moved to Nottingham and recommends Meetup. They both say to be careful with these apps as some people might use it for the wrong reasons.
Facebook groups are underrated! It’s crazy how easy it is to find groups with similar interests.
It’s likely that there’s an expat group for your city. There you’ll find people organising hikes together, women’s get-togethers, Sunday roasts and just generally helping each other out with living abroad.
Go join these gatherings even if you don’t know anyone. They have been through the same thing.
Unfortunately, there are Facebook groups like the Jakarta Expats group where a handful of members try to bash you in the comment section to get attention instead of helping you out.
However, Facebook groups are amazing. If you are interested in woodworking, search for “woodworking [insert next largest city]”. If you are looking for fellow Australians, search for “Australians in [insert country or city]”.
Neighbourhood
My neighbourhood organised “Rondas” during Ramadan 2020.
Rondas are gatherings of about 10 or more men armed with golf clubs and bamboo sticks, aged between 20 and 60, who come together every night to look out for possible threats in the neighbourhood.
They are more of a social event than an actual security measure. Nonetheless, great to make friends.
Fighting alongside each other (aka sitting next to each other at the security hut from 11pm until 3 am) creates a sense of togetherness.
In the following months of Covid lockdown, our friendships strengthened, as the only possible weekend activity was to meet up with the neighbours and have a beer on the terrace.
If you don’t organise Rondas in your neighbourhood (Do you even care about the safety of your neighbourhood?!) – start a WhatsApp group with your neighbours! This way you can keep each other informed, help each other out and organise game nights.
Love a game night.
Join a Club
Finally.
I found a gold mine.
My best friends throughout my life came all from the same Handball club in Germany.
Obviously, it was a sports club where I found it easiest to make lifelong friends.
I decided to join a paddle club in Jakarta and I met the most amazing people.
The team spirit makes the difference. People are there for each other. It doesn’t matter if you are trying out a new sport or doing something you already know. Joining a club is a great way to make friends.
Again, do your research. Check their social media if maybe even other expats are going.
Go early, stay late. Help where you can. Say yes to grabbing food after training.
Bonus: Seven Universal Rules of Making Friends
1. “Hey, what’s your name?”
This is the single easiest way to start a conversation with a stranger. This applies to bars, seminars, courses, clubs, everything.
2. Think twice before giving out your phone number.
Or your Snapchat, or your Instagram handle, …
I have a hard time imagining what girls have to go through. To all the guys, stop being fucking creeps.
3. Don’t expect to meet the exact type of people you usually hang around with.
Be open. You might need to adjust your banter for a while. Teach them to be more like you.
4. Go to everything you’re invited to.
Accept invitations.
Even if you leave after 10 minutes and don’t like the person who invited you. They probably have friends who will like you. This is the only way you can get to know them.
5. Steal your friends’ (or colleagues’) friends.
There is a possibility that you will make friends through friends. Don’t feel guilty if you get on better with others.
It’s not stealing if you also invite your original friend from time to time.
6. Positivity, Proactivity
You need to get yourself into the game. Nobody will do it for you.
Also, be ok with the fact that people may move away again. You just moved cities. Others do too.
What’s the worst that can happen. You can’t have less than zero friends haha.
7. Be ready for awkwardness.
Accept the discomfort. It gets better.
Pretend that every single person you meet has a sign around his or her neck that says, ‘Make me feel important.’ Not only will you succeed in sales, you will succeed in life.
Mary Kay Ash
Why Not Today
My friend Dorio and I were brainstorming for weekend activities that aren’t the nightclub (places where we might also meet women). We thought of expat gatherings, yoga, pilates and baking classes.
Instead of procrastinating, we decided to book a yoga class for the same Saturday.
We had so much fun trying something completely new.
There are lots of ideas in this blog post.
Choose one for this weekend.
Sign up asap. The earlier you start the better.
D
