On Comparing Myself! Not Today Blog 46
I remember reading the affirmation “I am enough” to myself every morning last year, and I realised that this year, for the first time, I feel I have lived up to that phrase. Not because I am a better person, but because I’ve been able to stop comparing myself to others.
For the first time, I feel that I am good enough. But, what did I think I wasn’t good enough at? What was my point of reference? What changed that helped me gain this new confidence?
I realised that part of it had to do with my old home in Germany.
Not being able to travel back, I was forced to accept the present. This is where I live. I have to be able to rely on myself and the people here. Who knows when I will see my best friends again? (As I’m writing this blog post the Omicron variant starts spreading across the world.)
I’d love to see my friends from home, but I’d rather have them here than have to go there. The thought of visiting Germany makes me feel anxious. If that’s the right word.
Not wanting to go home is ignorant. However, I associate a good deal of pain with my past.
When I picture myself in my old environment, I immediately get this feeling of having to prove myself. Not because people are expecting something from me. It’s because I used to compare myself to my friends all the time.
In many ways, this has accelerated my life. In my late teens, I realised that wanted to be different. I wanted to do things differently, achieve different things. Eventually, I stopped trying to be normal.
I couldn’t keep up with normal anyway.
It had more negatives than positives. The constant comparison made me feel like I wasn’t good enough. And this is not about school grades. I couldn’t care less what grades my classmates had.
It was more about how much better people were at the sports I loved playing, how much better they were at picking up girls, how much more connected they were to the cool kids in town, how much taller they were, how much more German they looked.
Like fuck. This is so unfair to my friends. They are the best people. They never expected me to be anything. It was all in my head.
I shouldn’t compare myself to others and I know that. I am 27 years old and I still feel uncomfortable thinking about whether I would come across as a loser in my old environment. And this is despite the fact that I have travelled to every single country in Southeast Asia, despite the fact that I have built up a business with my family, despite the fact that I live in the most beautiful country on the planet.
The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel.
Steve Furtick
Being here, away from the people from my past makes it easy. It’s a clean slate.
I can mute anyone on social media that I compare myself to in a negative way. At the same time, I can be who I want to be. Being here takes all this pressure off. I don’t need to prove myself. I know who I am and what I am capable of. The moment people meet me, I am without the old stories. It’s me and not some old idea of myself.
Are Others Comparing Themselves To Me?
It sucks because in the last few years I’ve been able to do things that others might never be able to experience. And obviously, they saw only the good times on my Instagram.
How do you post a lack of something on social media in the first place?
To put my travels and living situation into perspective. I have no savings because business has had its ups and downs, I don’t own a house, I don’t have a bachelor’s degree. But what people would see in my feed were beaches. They’d see me crossing the finish line at the Tokyo Marathon, but I wouldn’t be able to share accurately the pain that came with each of those experiences. The pain that came with even getting to the start line, let alone the finish.
I feel guilty when people compare their lives to mine because I haven’t figured shit out. I, like everyone else, live off my best guess.
Sometimes healing requires a change of scenery. It let me uncover mental issues and helped me learn to stop comparing myself to others.
Instead of hopelessly trying to fix a toxic dynamic, remember that removing yourself is an option.
Unknown
Why Not Today
Blog posts like these are personal. I write them because they help me to shine a light on things and to work through them. Improving and maintaining my mental health has been a major focus of mine over the last few years and is certainly an ongoing process. Yet, I think not a healthy mind but awareness about your mind is the superpower. Knowing your triggers, knowing yourself really.
My first thought was not to publish this blog post.
But if I can help one person with my words to identify mental health issues, to accept them for what they are or to start working on them, then it is irresponsible of me not to share what I have to say.
Now is the time for you to be less influenced by your surroundings and accept yourself as you are. You’re a fucking legend.
Why not today look back at this year and try to think about what has changed – and what you could change to become more comfortable with yourself.
D
